OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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