someone get that fucking seahorse.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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