Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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