Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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