So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize