He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
