Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
