Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
