okay pat passed out under dana's car
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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