I faked an abortion last night.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
