my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
