when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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