I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
