We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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