I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
