OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
