Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Randomize
