he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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