The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
