Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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