I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
