he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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