My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
