Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
