He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
