So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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