I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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