Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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