I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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