I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
