there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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