Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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