her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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