I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
