i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
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