Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
