I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
