my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
