Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
