Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
