If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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