Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
