Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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