Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
