you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
