I hate your face
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
