Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Randomize
