If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
