Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
