I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize