she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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