So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize