she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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