I feel great
I just peed on a car
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
