Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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