from now on my penis is your penis
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
