Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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