i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize