I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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