I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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