Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
