there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
